Sunday, June 24, 2007

Sedona--The Best Place Ever!

Friday – arrived in Sedona after being in the car for about 5 hours. We checked into the Wildflower Inn and went to dinner. YUM! With a view of the red rocks and a vodka in my hand … I was VERY happy!!

We walked around the town of Sedona and then I was pretty much ready for sleep. BORING! Stopped at the Circle K for some gas and while I was pumping I noticed this GIANT creature standing near my car.

DAMN they got some big-ass bugs out here! Seriously, it was so big that it’s body didn’t even touch the ground. GROSS!

Saturday – get in the car we’re going to the Grand Canyon!! Jeff got up at a hundred o’clock, but we made it up there during daylight hours. Jeff & I are terribly frightened of heights, but we managed to take in the beauty of the Canyon. Jeff cried a little when I asked him to pose for a photo near the wall.

When we got back to Sedona we walked across the street (thru all the construction and bulldozers and nonsense) to the Blue Moon CafĂ©. It was fun in there. Our waitress was awesome! They had books on the tables with titles like: HOW TO COPE WHEN YOU ARE SURROUNDED BY IDIOTS & HOW TO LOSE 2 POUNDS IN 5 YEARS. That’s good comedy.

Jeff's right there!

Once again it’s early and I’m ready for bed. BORING! Must be this desert heat and driving all day long …

Sunday @ 11:50 am. We finally found a place to eat breakfast. For obvious reasons, people get up REALLY early here (but not Jeff) because there is so much to see and do (of course Jeff was just saying how if he had to spend another day here he would go insane ‘cause there is nothing to do). REALLY?! There is so much we didn’t do (PINK JEEP TOUR) ‘cause we were here for 5 minutes!!

And just for the record I had ONE DRINK the entire time we were in Arizona. That’s right, ONE. Jeff had two. Jeff keeps saying ‘what happened to you?’ Sedona is not a rowdy place and I was just soaking up the atmosphere and beauty and Jeff just kept saying he wanted to get me drunk. Considering most places around here close at 9:30 (and I’m about ready for bed by then), it’s a little difficult to get crazy.

Jeff is insane. He’s saying that mid-day is 4:00. Is he for real? He thinks noon is morning. He doesn’t even acknowledge anything before 11:00 am. What’s wrong with him?!

I LOVE SEDONA and don’t want to leave. I feel that way every time I come here. I was driving around yesterday morning (while waiting for Jeff to get ready) and noticed some houses for sale … oh, to have loads of money!!

It is 12:14 and we need to get start heading back to San Diego (this isn’t going to be pretty). Jeff has to work tomorrow, even though he was supposed to be finished with this job last week (or the week before). They keep changing their minds. IDIOTS!!!!!

So, poor Jeff has to drive up to LA after we get back to San Diego – which is probably going to be around 10:00 tonight. UGH!

I need a smoothie before we get in the car.

We'll tell you later...

Hi, we went to the Grand Canyon!

We'll tell you all about it later. .

For now...we have to leave Sedona...before they throw us out.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Day 2: Yuma, AZ to Sedona, AZ

Mile 176.1: Donna's already complaining. Donna wishes Jeff was never born because he has to work Monday.

Mile 177.4: Hi, we're going 0MPH in Yuma. Like everyone and everything else there.

Mile 178.6: We need to turn around. Hi, we're lost in Yuma.

Mile 180.1: We find a Cracker Barrel. Somewhere, Rachel is frowning.

Mile 180.2: Donna is still complaining. Jeff also wishes he was never born.

Mile 180.6: We nearly run over a lizard pulling into a gas station. During fill-up, Donna sprays Jeff with wiper fluid.

Mile 180.9: We discover the best place ever to eat! Sadly, we're no longer hungry.

Who doesn't want an All-You-Can-Eat KFC/A&W buffet??
Sounds like the start of a Poopenanny to me!

Mile 181.2: Back on the 8. BOOO!

Mile 183.6: Jeff finds where they make BLTs. . .

It's the BLT Factory!

Mile 195.9: Inspection station. We're going to jail.

Mile 197.0: Watch for rocks. Again. We hate the 8!

Mile 216.4: Hi, we're going 95MPH. We may perish!

Mile 219.1: The only car greener than Jon's Prius:

Hi, it's lime green! Where's Mr. Leonard?

Mile 227.7: Jeff ponders the age-old question, "Who's Adam?"

Mile 234.7: Jeff is suddenly VeryBusy:


Mile 237.9: Donna and Jeff giggle about Debbie and her crazy poem.

Mile 271.6: Nothin's going on.

Mile 283.8: We're in a dust cloud.

Mile 293.9: Time to get off the 8. Thank God Donna's paying attention, because Jeff is the worst navigator ever. Now we're on the 85!

Mile 294.1: Jeff dubs it the hatey-five.

Mile 296.0: We end up in Gila Bend, AZ.

Mile 297.0: Donna is very happy because she is in the desert listening to Camper Van Beethoven. Jeff briefly considers passing out.

Mile 297.5: Jeff wakes up as we pass by the Space Aged Lodge and Restaurant.

Free Anal Probes!

Mile 297.8: Gila Bend is also the home of a crazy dinosaur.

It's a Crazysaurus!

Mile 312.2: "Watch for Animals Next 17 Miles" sign! Donna's right here.

Mile 328.9: 344 Miles to LA! Yo, we ain't even goin' there.

Mile 329.1: Jeff discovers why nothing grows in Arizona:

Poop + Arizona = Fertizona!

Mile 332.9: Hi, we're on the 10! We still ain't even goin' to LA.

Mile 342.8: State Prison Surprise! Jeff wants a State Prison Surprise. Ofcoursehedoes.


Mile 344.4: Hi, we're in traffic. BOOOO!

Mile 347.2: Still in Traffic. Perhaps it's because there's a giant dust storm approaching. Donna's singing a song about her ass hurting.

Mile 349.7: Jeff's arm nearly bursts into flames when he mistakenly sticks it out the window. "It's not the heat, it's the stupidity."

Mile 353.5: We get on the 101 Loop North! Jeff wonders where Mimi Rogers is. No one else understands.

Mile 371.4: Johnny Cash sings, "I fell into a burning Ring of Fire." Apparently, he wrote this song in Arizona.

Mile 383.8: Wild fire danger is high! It's very dangerous here.

Mile 420.7: Bloody Basin! Jeff & Donna predict they will end up there before the end of the trip.

Oh, it's gonna be!

Mile 435.7: Donna claims a win at Cow Poker. "But they might have been horses," she notes.

Mile 459.8: We're approaching Sedona!

Mile 470.2 We arrive at the Wildflower Inn! Damned hippies.

Waz Across Az

Yesterday morning, we left Yuma after eating at a Cracker Barrel. (Don't yell at me, Rachel. Donna made me!)

Donna Enjoys her Cracker Barrel... Jeff cowers in fear of being bashed.

Afterwards, we drove into Sedona. On our way, we stopped for a waz break at Gila Bend, AZ. From the second we drove into this small town, we could tell it was a pile of crazy.

About a half mile into it, we found a UFO themed Best Western and attached Restaurant.

It was no Roswell, but it'll do, I suppose.

Next, we stopped to waz at the Black Bear Diner (grrr!) somewhere in the middle of Arizona.

The place was actually pretty nice, and was adorned with friendly wooden bears. . .

Precious, no?

Begging cutely for porridge. Where's Goldilocks??

Don't they just melt your icy heart? Donna even snuggled up to one!

Donna and the Black Bear! Ofcoursesheis!

Of course, the pee break ended in tragedy when I approached an ornery, hungry bear:

Don't feed the bears!

We got thrown out for unauthorized feeding of the bears, and after my arm was surgically reattached (stapled back on), we continued our journey.

Later, we wazzed at Rock Springs, AZ. And it was terrifying. Absolutely Terrifying. I almost wet myself as we pulled up:

A unique rest stop feature!

Donna thought they were toilets Now they are.

This is, I think, one of the only rest stops with an actual Saloon--along with a tattoo parlor. Clearly, the locals come here to hang out as well, which is always a dangerous mix. My only regret (besides stopping there at all) is that we weren't there a day sooner:

A Family of Karaoke Singers! Doesn't this qualify as child cruelty?

After we high-tailed it the hell out of there, we made it to Sedona which is clearly being rebuilt from the ground up.

View from our room

Our hotel is conveniently located across from a gas station that there doesn't seem to be an entrance to because of the construction, as well as a medical center which boasts skin care, eye care, dentistry for some ailment called "Lumpy Legs" which I think I may have. . .

My new motto: Lumpy Legs No More!

Later, we went into the town of Sedona, where Donna made friends with a small copper-based child. . .

That's my sister, licking it! Ofcoursesheis!

...who later tried to strangle me after kicking me in the crotch:

Little bitch.

Sedona proved to be quite the dangerous place for us, with terror lurking at every corner:

When Horses Attack...

...And rams...

...and Medusa...

...and Fiberglass...uhh...deer? Hi, it's swallowing my eye!

Clearly we're exhausted from the day's events. But now we're off to the Grand Canyon. So...if we don't post anymore, we're clearly dead. Have a great weekend!

Just Wait

We'll post tomorrow. . .

Until then...suck it.

Friday, June 22, 2007


Everyone is assuming I found Jack the Ass because his photo is on our blog - well, I didn't (BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!). Jack loved Arizona very much, so I really wanted him to be part of this trip hence the photo.
We all miss Jack very much and his little donkey spirit is with us!!

Day 1: San Diego, CA to Yuma, CA

Mile 0.0: It's 8:15PM! Here we go! (Only two hours late.)

Mile 0.4: Donna & Jeff are gettin' rowdy! They dream of Yuma and Vodka.

Mile 1.4: We're on the 8. Jeff hates the 8. It peed on the car as they got on the 8. One mile down, 168 more to go. We're exhausted.

Mile 6.1: Donna: "Should I be doing something." Jeff: "Uhhh, drive?"

Mile 11.4: Jeff loses his camera 12 minutes into the trip. His arm gets caught in between the door and the seat. "Fuck this car," Jeff proclaims! Donna's car replies by making him bleed.

Mile 13.4: First sign for Yuma! 162 Miles away!

Mile 14.6: Jeff finds the camera.

Mile 15.7: Donna has road rage. Donna: "Don't write that, because I don't!" Jeff: "I will not be censored!!" Now Donna has Jeffrage.

Mile 19.5: Donna: "Don't look at the clock tomorrow morning when I wake you up." Jeff: "Now we're in a fight."

Mile 21.6: Donna goes crazy and thinks she hears voices in the car.

Mile 25.6: Donna and Jeff both get "Nostrilitis" as they head into the dry air.

Mile 26.3: Elevation 1000 feet!!

Mile 27.1: Now their ears are clogged. Hi, their bodies are shutting down. Maybe they should hurry.

Mile 29.2: Elevation 2000 feet!!

Mile 34.9: 3000 feet! Hi, they're going veryfarup!

Mile 39.8: 4000 feet! Everyone's heads are exploding.

Mile 49.0: Hi, it's verydark.


Mile 76.9: We're going back down the hill.

Mile 77.2: San Diego County Line sign. Jeff wonders if we're going into or out of the county.

Mile 77.7: Another sign for San Diego County Line. Hi, the road is in reruns.

Mile 78.1: Strong Winds Possible, Next 16 Miles. Oh christ.

Mile 78.8: Apparently, we need the runaway truck ramp. It's VERY windy. And dark. Did we mention dark?

Mile 79.5: Back down to 2000 feet. And the winds are going 2000 miles per hour.

Mile 80.0: Rock Slides Ahead. This road is VERY dangerous. Jeff continues to hate the 8.

Mile 83.0: Now there is a 2000 foot drop to the left of the road and no guard rail. Donna moves into the other lane.

Mile 89.0: Donna has to pee. Ofcourseshedoes.

Mile 99.5: We're at sea level! Donna is at pee level, still.

Mile 104.5: 2 Miles to Rest Stop. Donna briefly considers holding it in for sixty more miles.

Mile 105.1: Donna reconsiders her decision to hold it in and we make our way to the Sunbeam Lake Rest Area!

Mile 106.5: We arrive at the Sunbeam Lake Rest Area! We nearly perish. Donna: "Damned hippies!"

Mile 115.0: Donna thinks there are bugs in her hair from the rest area.

Mile 117.2: Donna: "Now there is a cricket under my arm."

Mile 122.4: Now there is one on her foot. Jeff is concerned that she is hallucinating as she drives. People, please be aware.

Mile 164.6: We see signs for Yuma, but we don't seem to be in Arizona yet.

Mile 172: Oh. Here is Arizona.

Pretend that picture was taken at night.

Mile 173.5: We just found the Largest Burger King in Arizona!

"Burger King: Largest in Arizona! 3 Story indoor playground!"
...we don't stop.

Mile 175.8: Hi, we're at the Ramada!

Our lovely room.

YUMA! Short for YUMAkemewannadie

Here's the thing: Donna and I are on a road trip. I've been excited about this for's a belated birthday present for my lovely sister. She LOVES Arizona, for some unknown reason, and so we planned this trip because we thought I was off work. (To be fair, I was off work...but the gig got extended--at 10:30 last night. . .)

Anyway, I spent four (4) hours in the car today driving down to meet at her place in San Diego. FOUR HOURS in the car, and we didn't even start the damned trip yet.

I approached her place and she took one look at my suitcase with wheels on it and said, "Oh. I thought that wheely suitcases weren't allowed on the road trips." My mind began to race: "Oh shit. I'm completely delirious after four hours on the road. Clearly, she's not saying what I think she's saying." I asked, "Huh?" For some reason, Donna was under the impression that one of the "Road Trip Rules" was that it was "Duffel-Bag Time!"

Which is why this is how she had originally packed:

Donna has Baggage.


Once we clarified that there was, in fact, no such insane rule, she re-packed and we went to dinner in her 'hood--where there are Electric Pies!

Taste the Fruit-filled Power!

God Bless California! Except for the Godforsaken Sunbeam Lake rest area. Donna and I walked up to this dingy place and I went into the Men's room. I simply stared in horror. Meanwhile, I hear Donna let out a scream from the Women's room. There were bugs in hers.

In mine? Feces:

Someone Pooped In It. Again.

Apparently, there was a full-blown Poopenanny.

Yeah, I think I win. Donna briefly considered using the men's room...somehow reasoning that HUMAN EXCREMENT is less offensive than crickets. Why are all of my road trips filled with poop? Maybe Road Trip Rule #1 should be "Don't Poop on my walls or in my pool. I don't paint or swim in your toilet." If someone out there could stitch that on something for me, I'd appreciate it. It makes much more sense than "No Wheely Suitcases."

Anyway, we chose to drive off to Yuma full of urine. Donna booked us in the Ramada, specifically because it has a bar.

Of course, once we arrived here, the bar was closed. We walked to the Circle K (in the middle of the street, since Yuma has no sidewalks. Thanks, everyone.) but it did little to booze us up.

On our way there, I noticed that Arizona is so dry, it my eyes feel like there is sand in them. It is about 92 degrees outside--and it's midnight. Tomorrow, I may perish.

I think I'm looking forward to it. . .