Thursday, July 5, 2007

Sedona = Sedated Donna

Last weekend's trip to Arizona was exactly what I needed--something low-key and relaxing after being at work for 80 hours a week.

I was, however, quite shocked when Donna--normally quite the rager--was also low-key. I mean, really, she only had ONE DRINK the entire time we were there. And she was in bed by 10 each night. Where did my sister go??

To be fair, there's nothing really to do in Sedona. At all. It's quite like New Mexico: Quite pretty, but ultimately pointless in that there's nothing to do except look at things. It closes promptly at 9PM. Once the sun goes down, and there's nothing to look at--everyone just passes out from boredom.

Arizona: It's tough being pretty. But easy to be BORING!

On Saturday, Donna drove us up to the Grand Canyon. On our way up, we stopped by a little coffee shop for some midday snacks and a pick-me-up. After our snacks, we wandered back to the car where Donna said, "Holy crap, it's 4 O'clock." Which means we would have been in the coffee shop for over an hour, which we clearly weren't.

We got back in the car, and her phone then told us it was 3 again. But mine said 4. Obviously, I wasn't going to let my trip to the future go to waste. I mean...what power I had! I was an hour into the future!!!! A few quick checks around made me realize that the future pretty much sucks in Arizona. After a few minutes, I was returned to my home time and regaled Donna with Tales From the Future! She ignored me.

Once we got to the Grand Canyon, I was really blown away by how amazing it is. Pictures don't do it justice--but here are some anyway.

"Look! It's Nothing!"

Being completely terrified of heights, however, made the whole experience a little stressful. I was convinced a stiff wind would knock me to my death. Either way, I already knew that an hour from then, I would still be it helped me relax a bit.

On Sunday, it was time to return home. Donna and I hopped in the car, had some breakfast and we were on our way. After a brief stop at (another) Cracker Barrel for food (and a Best Buy trying to find a Wii...) we continued on our way.

As night fell, Donna's car began to run low on gas. Her little low-gas indicator popped on and she remarked that it was cute. A feeling of dread began to fill me.

After driving a few miles, we passed a border inspection post (which was closed) and found an exit with a blue sign indicating gas and lodging. These signs are important for the road-weary traveler. But only if they are accurate.

We pull off the road and are instantly immersed in darkness. We passed a truck parked on the side of the road, where four young toughs were hanging out, drinking. I thought I heard one of them shout, "It's Rapin' Time!" as we drove by, but for some reason, Donna didn't hear it. As we drove deeper into the town, I was convinced that we were about to be murdered Texas Chainsaw/Hills Have Eyes style. The further we went into the town, the emptier the town became, much like our gas tank. So we turned around, drove past the rapists again and headed back to the freeway.

We drove another ten miles before hitting an exit for an Indian Casino. Once we got off the freeway for the second time, we drove another two miles to the casino area....and kept driving until we passed the casino--where we found no gas station. Again.

Luckily, we pulled up next to a cop who was parked along the side of the road. I rolled down the window and had the following exchange with him:

Me: Hello! Can you tell me where there's a gas station?
Helpful Officer: (pointing to the direction we just came from) Back that way.
Me: Oh. . .
(A car is pulling up behind us now, and we are blocking the road. Donna begins a slow roll away. . .)
Donna: "Is it on this road??"
Helpful Officer: "Oh. Uhh... No."

I roll my eyes and at this point begin to swear under my breath. Donna pulls off to the shoulder and I get out to have a more in-depth conversation with the Least Helpful Officer on the planet.

I approach his car slowly, for he is armed and clearly slow.

Me: "Where, exactly, is this gas station?"
Him: " did you get here?'


I didn't want to get shot, so I said, "Uhh....the freeway." Because how the F else is anyone getting there?

He told me we had to GET BACK ON THE FREEWAY and head to the next exit.

I get back in the car and tell Donna the bad news. Donna said we weren't going to make it. But we forged on anyway.

Getting back on the freeway, we had another four or five miles to go before the next exit. She turned on the flashers and I turned off the radio. We had limited resources, and had to conserve. She began to just coast down the hill on the 8.

Finally, after what seemed like hours, we reached the gas station, where we were able to waz, fill up, and clean the gross windows.

I hate the 8.

As soon as we got back on the road, Donna muttered, "I wonder if we could have made it."


The rest of the car ride to SD was uneventful...and my lonely, late drive to LA was annoying, as part of the freeway was closed.


I am now back at the poopenanny that is work.

OFcourseIam. . .

Sunday, July 1, 2007

Day 4: Sedona, AZ to San Diego, CA

Mile 747.0: Leaving Sedona. Already lost.

Mile 758.9: Hi, we almost died.

Mile 770.6: Construction and traffic. On a Sunday. In two thousand degree heat. BULL. SHIT.

Mile 815.4: Donna's ears pop. All over Jeff.

Mile 856.6: Getting off Freeway for Lunch break at Cracker Barrel. Ofcourseweare. Pitstop at Best Buy to check for Wii. No such luck.

Mile 858.3: Bell road. Jeff shouts, "Don't ring that bell!"

Mile 884.0: Donna and Jeff see a GIANT BABY in a field. Jeff nearly has a poopenanny in his pants at the very sight of it. He is too stunned to even take a photo of it, and nearly bursts into tears.

Mile 933.7: Hating the 8 all over again.

Mile 934.1: Only 290 more miles till San Diego! And then another 110 miles that Jeff has to drive to LA so he can work in the morning. Suicide is looking better and better. . .

Mile 998.0: Debbie sends cryptic text: "Bring me the cat's ass."

Mile 1000.0: We're in the middle of nowhere!

Mile 1030: Stop at A&W Root Beer stand and Dairy Queen, because Jeff and Donna need to be fat.

Mile 1051: Back in California! And we're still never getting home.

Mile 1088: The setting sun burns our retinas. Donna hatches some sort of scheme to block out the sun. Jeff is unsure of what this scheme is, and it goes unnoted.

Mile 1122.9: We're at sea level.

Mile 1176.7: We're at pee level!

Mile 1177.3: Now we're at E level! Hi, the little gas indicator has come on! Donna calls it "cute."

Mile 1179.1: The exit we got off on has no gas, despite the blue sign saying there was. Jeff and Donna nearly get raped and turn around.

Mile 1183.9: It's dark and we might be fucked as we can't find a gas station anywhere along the Hate Freeway.

Mile 1188.9: Five Miles till next exit. We hope it has gas.

Mile 1193.5: Exit at an Indian Casino! Hi, they're sure to have gas!

Mile 1195.2: Ohmygod, there isn't a gas station. We drove through the whole freakin town!!!

Mile 1195.9: Nonhelpful cop tells us to turn around and go back the way we came...saying there is gas at the NEXT EXIT DOWN. We head back to the freeway. Beyond e.

Mile 1199.8: Convinced we won't make it....Donna turns the flashers on.

Mile 1200.0: Donna talks about pulling over and having AAA come and get us so we don't ruin her engine by running out of gas. Jeff tells her she's insane. He turns off the radio to make sure nothing extraneous is running.

Mile 1201.0: Against all odds, we make it to the Chevron and fill it up! And empty it out because we were still at Pee level.

Mile 1202.0: 28 Miles to go. Donna: "I wonder if we could have made it." Jeff tries to slap her.

Mile 1205.0: Donna christens her car "The Champ."

Mile 1213.8: Traffic at 9:38PM on a Sunday? REALLY????

Mile 1228.9: Back at Donna's place! It's a billion o'clock.

Day 3: The Grand Canyon (To and Fro)

Mile 488.6: We're on our way!

Mile 507.1: Hi, we're at 6,000 Feet!

Mile 533.7: Welcome to Flagstaff. Home of some random stuff.

Mile 535: 7,000 Feet! WEE!

Mile 537.8: We see a sign for LA. Yo, we still ain't even going there.

Mile 538.1: Donna utters the phrase, "What is that noise? Is that an airplane or my car?" Jeff trembles and misses the Turquoise Bullet.

Mile 539.2: Bun Huggers = hot!

Mile 540.7: 76 Miles to the Grand Canyon! Jeff wonders if we'll be driving up the giant mountain in front of us. Suddenly, he doesn't miss the Bullet as much.

Mile 541.9: The term is actually "White-HOT trash" in Arizona. . . know, because it's veryhot. Ahem, how's it goin?

Mile 546.9: Jeff and Donna get stuck behind a Poopenanny truck.

Mile 552.8: Ohmygod, 8,000 Feet! Or, in Donna's world: "We're 8000 miles up! Or whatever."

Mile 588.7: It smells like a Poopenanny.

Mile 610.5: Donna puts her arm in the sun. It immediately begins to smolder.

Mile 612.9: Waz break in the Time Zone Vortex.

Mile 621.5: Lost inside of the Grand Canyon park. We nearly drive into it.

Mile 650: Wooo! 650 Miles!

ON THE WAY BACK TO SEDONA. . .it's pretty much the same thing...except:

Mile 718.3: We wind up on the Scenic Road of Death!

Click on this one, cuz it's kinda cool!

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Sedona--The Best Place Ever!

Friday – arrived in Sedona after being in the car for about 5 hours. We checked into the Wildflower Inn and went to dinner. YUM! With a view of the red rocks and a vodka in my hand … I was VERY happy!!

We walked around the town of Sedona and then I was pretty much ready for sleep. BORING! Stopped at the Circle K for some gas and while I was pumping I noticed this GIANT creature standing near my car.

DAMN they got some big-ass bugs out here! Seriously, it was so big that it’s body didn’t even touch the ground. GROSS!

Saturday – get in the car we’re going to the Grand Canyon!! Jeff got up at a hundred o’clock, but we made it up there during daylight hours. Jeff & I are terribly frightened of heights, but we managed to take in the beauty of the Canyon. Jeff cried a little when I asked him to pose for a photo near the wall.

When we got back to Sedona we walked across the street (thru all the construction and bulldozers and nonsense) to the Blue Moon CafĂ©. It was fun in there. Our waitress was awesome! They had books on the tables with titles like: HOW TO COPE WHEN YOU ARE SURROUNDED BY IDIOTS & HOW TO LOSE 2 POUNDS IN 5 YEARS. That’s good comedy.

Jeff's right there!

Once again it’s early and I’m ready for bed. BORING! Must be this desert heat and driving all day long …

Sunday @ 11:50 am. We finally found a place to eat breakfast. For obvious reasons, people get up REALLY early here (but not Jeff) because there is so much to see and do (of course Jeff was just saying how if he had to spend another day here he would go insane ‘cause there is nothing to do). REALLY?! There is so much we didn’t do (PINK JEEP TOUR) ‘cause we were here for 5 minutes!!

And just for the record I had ONE DRINK the entire time we were in Arizona. That’s right, ONE. Jeff had two. Jeff keeps saying ‘what happened to you?’ Sedona is not a rowdy place and I was just soaking up the atmosphere and beauty and Jeff just kept saying he wanted to get me drunk. Considering most places around here close at 9:30 (and I’m about ready for bed by then), it’s a little difficult to get crazy.

Jeff is insane. He’s saying that mid-day is 4:00. Is he for real? He thinks noon is morning. He doesn’t even acknowledge anything before 11:00 am. What’s wrong with him?!

I LOVE SEDONA and don’t want to leave. I feel that way every time I come here. I was driving around yesterday morning (while waiting for Jeff to get ready) and noticed some houses for sale … oh, to have loads of money!!

It is 12:14 and we need to get start heading back to San Diego (this isn’t going to be pretty). Jeff has to work tomorrow, even though he was supposed to be finished with this job last week (or the week before). They keep changing their minds. IDIOTS!!!!!

So, poor Jeff has to drive up to LA after we get back to San Diego – which is probably going to be around 10:00 tonight. UGH!

I need a smoothie before we get in the car.

We'll tell you later...

Hi, we went to the Grand Canyon!

We'll tell you all about it later. .

For now...we have to leave Sedona...before they throw us out.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Day 2: Yuma, AZ to Sedona, AZ

Mile 176.1: Donna's already complaining. Donna wishes Jeff was never born because he has to work Monday.

Mile 177.4: Hi, we're going 0MPH in Yuma. Like everyone and everything else there.

Mile 178.6: We need to turn around. Hi, we're lost in Yuma.

Mile 180.1: We find a Cracker Barrel. Somewhere, Rachel is frowning.

Mile 180.2: Donna is still complaining. Jeff also wishes he was never born.

Mile 180.6: We nearly run over a lizard pulling into a gas station. During fill-up, Donna sprays Jeff with wiper fluid.

Mile 180.9: We discover the best place ever to eat! Sadly, we're no longer hungry.

Who doesn't want an All-You-Can-Eat KFC/A&W buffet??
Sounds like the start of a Poopenanny to me!

Mile 181.2: Back on the 8. BOOO!

Mile 183.6: Jeff finds where they make BLTs. . .

It's the BLT Factory!

Mile 195.9: Inspection station. We're going to jail.

Mile 197.0: Watch for rocks. Again. We hate the 8!

Mile 216.4: Hi, we're going 95MPH. We may perish!

Mile 219.1: The only car greener than Jon's Prius:

Hi, it's lime green! Where's Mr. Leonard?

Mile 227.7: Jeff ponders the age-old question, "Who's Adam?"

Mile 234.7: Jeff is suddenly VeryBusy:


Mile 237.9: Donna and Jeff giggle about Debbie and her crazy poem.

Mile 271.6: Nothin's going on.

Mile 283.8: We're in a dust cloud.

Mile 293.9: Time to get off the 8. Thank God Donna's paying attention, because Jeff is the worst navigator ever. Now we're on the 85!

Mile 294.1: Jeff dubs it the hatey-five.

Mile 296.0: We end up in Gila Bend, AZ.

Mile 297.0: Donna is very happy because she is in the desert listening to Camper Van Beethoven. Jeff briefly considers passing out.

Mile 297.5: Jeff wakes up as we pass by the Space Aged Lodge and Restaurant.

Free Anal Probes!

Mile 297.8: Gila Bend is also the home of a crazy dinosaur.

It's a Crazysaurus!

Mile 312.2: "Watch for Animals Next 17 Miles" sign! Donna's right here.

Mile 328.9: 344 Miles to LA! Yo, we ain't even goin' there.

Mile 329.1: Jeff discovers why nothing grows in Arizona:

Poop + Arizona = Fertizona!

Mile 332.9: Hi, we're on the 10! We still ain't even goin' to LA.

Mile 342.8: State Prison Surprise! Jeff wants a State Prison Surprise. Ofcoursehedoes.


Mile 344.4: Hi, we're in traffic. BOOOO!

Mile 347.2: Still in Traffic. Perhaps it's because there's a giant dust storm approaching. Donna's singing a song about her ass hurting.

Mile 349.7: Jeff's arm nearly bursts into flames when he mistakenly sticks it out the window. "It's not the heat, it's the stupidity."

Mile 353.5: We get on the 101 Loop North! Jeff wonders where Mimi Rogers is. No one else understands.

Mile 371.4: Johnny Cash sings, "I fell into a burning Ring of Fire." Apparently, he wrote this song in Arizona.

Mile 383.8: Wild fire danger is high! It's very dangerous here.

Mile 420.7: Bloody Basin! Jeff & Donna predict they will end up there before the end of the trip.

Oh, it's gonna be!

Mile 435.7: Donna claims a win at Cow Poker. "But they might have been horses," she notes.

Mile 459.8: We're approaching Sedona!

Mile 470.2 We arrive at the Wildflower Inn! Damned hippies.

Waz Across Az

Yesterday morning, we left Yuma after eating at a Cracker Barrel. (Don't yell at me, Rachel. Donna made me!)

Donna Enjoys her Cracker Barrel... Jeff cowers in fear of being bashed.

Afterwards, we drove into Sedona. On our way, we stopped for a waz break at Gila Bend, AZ. From the second we drove into this small town, we could tell it was a pile of crazy.

About a half mile into it, we found a UFO themed Best Western and attached Restaurant.

It was no Roswell, but it'll do, I suppose.

Next, we stopped to waz at the Black Bear Diner (grrr!) somewhere in the middle of Arizona.

The place was actually pretty nice, and was adorned with friendly wooden bears. . .

Precious, no?

Begging cutely for porridge. Where's Goldilocks??

Don't they just melt your icy heart? Donna even snuggled up to one!

Donna and the Black Bear! Ofcoursesheis!

Of course, the pee break ended in tragedy when I approached an ornery, hungry bear:

Don't feed the bears!

We got thrown out for unauthorized feeding of the bears, and after my arm was surgically reattached (stapled back on), we continued our journey.

Later, we wazzed at Rock Springs, AZ. And it was terrifying. Absolutely Terrifying. I almost wet myself as we pulled up:

A unique rest stop feature!

Donna thought they were toilets Now they are.

This is, I think, one of the only rest stops with an actual Saloon--along with a tattoo parlor. Clearly, the locals come here to hang out as well, which is always a dangerous mix. My only regret (besides stopping there at all) is that we weren't there a day sooner:

A Family of Karaoke Singers! Doesn't this qualify as child cruelty?

After we high-tailed it the hell out of there, we made it to Sedona which is clearly being rebuilt from the ground up.

View from our room

Our hotel is conveniently located across from a gas station that there doesn't seem to be an entrance to because of the construction, as well as a medical center which boasts skin care, eye care, dentistry for some ailment called "Lumpy Legs" which I think I may have. . .

My new motto: Lumpy Legs No More!

Later, we went into the town of Sedona, where Donna made friends with a small copper-based child. . .

That's my sister, licking it! Ofcoursesheis!

...who later tried to strangle me after kicking me in the crotch:

Little bitch.

Sedona proved to be quite the dangerous place for us, with terror lurking at every corner:

When Horses Attack...

...And rams...

...and Medusa...

...and Fiberglass...uhh...deer? Hi, it's swallowing my eye!

Clearly we're exhausted from the day's events. But now we're off to the Grand Canyon. So...if we don't post anymore, we're clearly dead. Have a great weekend!